I need to be able to forgive myself for lying to M over & over and treating my best friend like nothing. I took the best thing in my life for granted and now that this real threat of losing him forever is here Iīm disgusted with myself. I canīt sleep, I canīt eat and I thought I was too old to ever feel like that again. Why do I do the things I do? How could I be so mean? I wish I could trun back time and right my wrongs. I love this man so much and yet I pushed him away. I need to forgive myself. But at the moment I canīt see that happening. God please help me. Donīt abandon me as well. I feel so alone right now. So alone. The silence is deafening.